The Day I Spazzed Out

We don't very often take tractor trailers. As a matter of fact, this is the first time in seven years that both Joe and I have taken tractor trailers. I didn't have the lightbar to look for while going down the highway to make sure I'm still on the right path. As you can see, he blended in with all the other trucks on the road (photo right).



Out of all the trailers in front of me I had to follow the little red "Get A Way Farms" label on the back of the trailer (photo left).

Just in case you don't remember this days post, it was on Saturday, July 26, 2008. These trucks and trailers were going to Tunica, Mississippi for auction. http://www.tunica.miss.com

The thing about this spazz attach is a) I've never been to Tunica, Mississippi, b) I knew the roads to take to Memphis, Tennessee but not where to go from there, c) I do have the iPhone with the Map Feature that I could have used to get the directions if I had lost Joe in all the knot of trucks, d) my tail was not the usual truck I was used to seeing in my mirrors.

Change, of any kind, for me is critical meltdown. I get used to one way of doing anything. I get my routine set and I know what to look for and how to handle a situation. Put a spin on it, no matter how minor, and I have the voices in my head clambering at high volume. My heart races, by breathing increases, my senses are heightened to danger, and I just come to a full stop. If there were warning buzzers or klaxons emanating from me, during this time of panic, I would be one loud and noisy person.

Over the years I have been forced to deal with this part of me. Needless to say, I haven't quite got it down pat yet. The full on panic time and total function stop has decreased to mere seconds, maybe as much as 30 seconds, but it is still debilitating. Now if I could figure out how to deal with the recriminating voices in my head. Get them to just shut up. "What the hell was that all about? You know what you are doing, or did you all of a sudden become stupid? Look at all the people staring at you right now, what could they be thinking?" Unfortunately these voices in my head go on for longer than 30 seconds.

My way of dealing with the voices in my head (oh God don't tell them that, they will really think you've lost it) is to loudly say "Shut Up" or "Delete, delete".

So picture this in your head. You see a woman in a big truck, stopped at an intersection or driving on the highway. You look up into the truck window to get a better look at this woman you think is confident and you have a degree of awe. Now you see this woman swatting her hands around her head like she is chasing a fly away and her mouth is moving. You kind of know what she is saying because you've said this a few times yourself "Shut Up". She keeps repeating this "shut up shut up shut up" and her hands are waving around. Now you no longer think this woman is confident or someone to, momentarily, admire. You are sure she has just been let out of the looney bin and you want to put as much distance between her and you as you can.

So if you do see me on the highway or at a stop light telling myself to shut up, don't worry. It is just me dealing with my demons. All will be well in a few minutes.